I like movies. But Netflix doesn't like the movies I like. I like to post about the movies I like but that Netflix doesn't like. I hope you like it.

13th December 2012

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The only example of what Leonard Maltin dubbed “Honk-Honk Noir”, And Then the Juggler Sang has the distinction of being the only film Leonard Maltin has actually watched all the way through.
Ten years removed from Clown College and unable to pay his mounting face paint bills, Giggles the Clown has resorted to street juggling in order to make ends meet. His meager existence is buoyed by his straight-talking best friend and genial partner in busking Mr. Pushup Man, a vagrant who challenges passersby to pushup contests.
Everything changes for Giggles after Mr. Pushup unknowingly challenges and defeats Carmine Cifariello Jr. Jr., son of mafia don Carmine Cifariello Jr. Sr. Humiliated by his public defeat and extremely sore after completing only 15 poor-form push ups, Cifariello Jr. orders a hit on Mr. Pushup Man. Giggles, practicing juggling rotten fruit in his favorite abandoned alley, accidentally witnesses the murder of his deceptively muscular friend.
Now on the run from the mob, Giggles is forced to adopt the fake identity “‘Lil Bubbles.” His juggling skills are deteriorating by the day, a combination of lack of practice and an overwhelming fear of an excruciatingly painful, imminent death.
Unable to make a living, Giggles has no choice but to rat out the mob to the FBI. But not everyone at the FBI is what they seem. And hardly anyone trusts a clown.
Giggles’ life had officially hit the skids. And then the juggler sang.

The only example of what Leonard Maltin dubbed “Honk-Honk Noir”, And Then the Juggler Sang has the distinction of being the only film Leonard Maltin has actually watched all the way through.

Ten years removed from Clown College and unable to pay his mounting face paint bills, Giggles the Clown has resorted to street juggling in order to make ends meet. His meager existence is buoyed by his straight-talking best friend and genial partner in busking Mr. Pushup Man, a vagrant who challenges passersby to pushup contests.

Everything changes for Giggles after Mr. Pushup unknowingly challenges and defeats Carmine Cifariello Jr. Jr., son of mafia don Carmine Cifariello Jr. Sr. Humiliated by his public defeat and extremely sore after completing only 15 poor-form push ups, Cifariello Jr. orders a hit on Mr. Pushup Man. Giggles, practicing juggling rotten fruit in his favorite abandoned alley, accidentally witnesses the murder of his deceptively muscular friend.

Now on the run from the mob, Giggles is forced to adopt the fake identity “‘Lil Bubbles.” His juggling skills are deteriorating by the day, a combination of lack of practice and an overwhelming fear of an excruciatingly painful, imminent death.

Unable to make a living, Giggles has no choice but to rat out the mob to the FBI. But not everyone at the FBI is what they seem. And hardly anyone trusts a clown.

Giggles’ life had officially hit the skids. And then the juggler sang.

Tagged: jugglingnetflixmafiamobpush upsmovies

12th December 2012

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Colette Moreau is a beautiful ingenue from a remote French village in Japan. A fatherless, motherless, husbandless, uneducated mother of four, she’s shunned by Franco-Japanese society.
That is, until she discovers a more efficient hydrolysis process for mass producing soy sauce.
Now she’s the toast of Tokyo, and the locals are hypntoized by the savory salty aromas emanating from her industrial sized manufacturing facility and state-of-the-art distribution center.
Before long, Colette has weaved her way into the lives of several prominent Japanese businessmen, offering them ambrosial soy sauce, spiritual advice and sexual healing.
Her dreams are shattered when the sheer passion and uninhibited sexual ecstasy of one of her “business meetings” ignites Vat 2 in Sector 342B, turning it into a volcanic cauldron of molten hot soy.
Now a once proud city sits beneath a thick layer of congealed, fetid soy sauce. Colette must work overtime to reestablish her business reputation or face execution. And perhaps, even worse- a broken heart.

Colette Moreau is a beautiful ingenue from a remote French village in Japan. A fatherless, motherless, husbandless, uneducated mother of four, she’s shunned by Franco-Japanese society.

That is, until she discovers a more efficient hydrolysis process for mass producing soy sauce.

Now she’s the toast of Tokyo, and the locals are hypntoized by the savory salty aromas emanating from her industrial sized manufacturing facility and state-of-the-art distribution center.

Before long, Colette has weaved her way into the lives of several prominent Japanese businessmen, offering them ambrosial soy sauce, spiritual advice and sexual healing.

Her dreams are shattered when the sheer passion and uninhibited sexual ecstasy of one of her “business meetings” ignites Vat 2 in Sector 342B, turning it into a volcanic cauldron of molten hot soy.

Now a once proud city sits beneath a thick layer of congealed, fetid soy sauce. Colette must work overtime to reestablish her business reputation or face execution. And perhaps, even worse- a broken heart.

Tagged: soy saucefrancejapanmovie

11th December 2012

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In this sequel to 2004’s arthouse favorite Prequel: A Prequel, fearless director and legendary provocateur Judith Trench continues to dive headfirst into a rush hour traffic jam of controversial subjects.
Once again starring Harrison Fjord, her muse and on-again, off-again valet, Prequel: The Sequel would have been described by Pauline Kael as, “Infinitely complex. Trench constructs and then deconstructs a labyrinth of brutally partisan issues with unparalleled narrative virtuosity and sinewy sex-appeal.”
Ultimately, Prequel: The Sequel boils down to a trenchant examination of the pharmaceutical industry, internet piracy, autism diagnosis protocol, drone strikes, color clashing (race), color clashing (clothes), middle eastern diplomacy, income inequality, parental controls, noise pollution, water pollution, air pollution, pollution pollution, politics, wifi hacking, public and private nudity, capital punishment, stage diving, animal cruelty, clammy hands, gang wars, call waiting, flat-earth theory, prohibition, white male privilege, Kosovo, zoophilia, prison overcrowding, and roommate etiquette.
It’s fun for the whole family, so long as your entire family is in its second year of a three year post-doctoral cinema studies degree.

In this sequel to 2004’s arthouse favorite Prequel: A Prequel, fearless director and legendary provocateur Judith Trench continues to dive headfirst into a rush hour traffic jam of controversial subjects.

Once again starring Harrison Fjord, her muse and on-again, off-again valet, Prequel: The Sequel would have been described by Pauline Kael as, “Infinitely complex. Trench constructs and then deconstructs a labyrinth of brutally partisan issues with unparalleled narrative virtuosity and sinewy sex-appeal.”

Ultimately, Prequel: The Sequel boils down to a trenchant examination of the pharmaceutical industry, internet piracy, autism diagnosis protocol, drone strikes, color clashing (race), color clashing (clothes), middle eastern diplomacy, income inequality, parental controls, noise pollution, water pollution, air pollution, pollution pollution, politics, wifi hacking, public and private nudity, capital punishment, stage diving, animal cruelty, clammy hands, gang wars, call waiting, flat-earth theory, prohibition, white male privilege, Kosovo, zoophilia, prison overcrowding, and roommate etiquette.

It’s fun for the whole family, so long as your entire family is in its second year of a three year post-doctoral cinema studies degree.

Tagged: moviesprequelsequelharrison fjordnetflix

10th December 2012

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What happens when international mega celebrities Gerard Butler, Gerard Depardieu and Gerard Way share the silver screen? Gerard-a-palooza, that’s what!
This guaranteed goofy gag about a gaggle of gregarious Gerards is loosely based on a fever dream Mr. Butler had while anesthetized during an appendectomy five years ago.
Gerard Butler is pre-op, awaiting biyearly surgery on his strange, continually reanimating appendix. He awakes from his procedure only to find there were some minor…complications.
Across the pond, Gerard Way emerges from his appendectomy to discover there were some minor…complications.
Back across the same pond again, Gerard Depardieu opens his eyes after an emergency appendectomy to witness the horror of some minor…complications.
Now Gerard Butler is Gerard Depardieu, Gerard Depardieu is Gerard Way and Gerard Way is Gerard Butler! Can Gerard Depardieu master that tricky guitar lick before the Grammys? Can Gerard Way find a date for the Emmys? Can Gerard Butler get someone to return a call, please, for the love of God?
Can all three gentlemen Gerards cure their appendicitis in time to reverse the appendix curse?
Call the doctor, cause you’ve got a mean case of Gerard-itis!

What happens when international mega celebrities Gerard Butler, Gerard Depardieu and Gerard Way share the silver screen? Gerard-a-palooza, that’s what!

This guaranteed goofy gag about a gaggle of gregarious Gerards is loosely based on a fever dream Mr. Butler had while anesthetized during an appendectomy five years ago.

Gerard Butler is pre-op, awaiting biyearly surgery on his strange, continually reanimating appendix. He awakes from his procedure only to find there were some minor…complications.

Across the pond, Gerard Way emerges from his appendectomy to discover there were some minor…complications.

Back across the same pond again, Gerard Depardieu opens his eyes after an emergency appendectomy to witness the horror of some minor…complications.

Now Gerard Butler is Gerard Depardieu, Gerard Depardieu is Gerard Way and Gerard Way is Gerard Butler! Can Gerard Depardieu master that tricky guitar lick before the Grammys? Can Gerard Way find a date for the Emmys? Can Gerard Butler get someone to return a call, please, for the love of God?

Can all three gentlemen Gerards cure their appendicitis in time to reverse the appendix curse?

Call the doctor, cause you’ve got a mean case of Gerard-itis!

Tagged: gerard waygerard butlergerard depardieuappendix

9th December 2012

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Master of shlock horror Michael Apted returns with this shocking (or should we say “shlocking”) conclusion to his beloved Up Series. “Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man,” goes the saying that inspired one of the most ambitious documentary projects in cinema history. Spanning several decades, with a new installment released every seven years, Apted captured the fractured development of fourteen diverse British youths from different points on the socio-economic spectrum.
But now someone wants those fourteen youths from different points on the socio-economic spectrum dead.
Inspired by the saying, “Give me a child until he’s seven and I will hunt him down like a rabid dog when he’s 56,” a madman known only as the 7 Up Killer is hunting down Apted’s merry band of dysfunctional post-pubescent misfits one by one. The body count is piling up…and it looks like he’s saving the best for last.
As shocking (or should we say “shellacking”) as it is award winning, The 7 Up Killer answers the question: just who is the 7 Up Killer, really?

Master of shlock horror Michael Apted returns with this shocking (or should we say “shlocking”) conclusion to his beloved Up Series. “Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man,” goes the saying that inspired one of the most ambitious documentary projects in cinema history. Spanning several decades, with a new installment released every seven years, Apted captured the fractured development of fourteen diverse British youths from different points on the socio-economic spectrum.

But now someone wants those fourteen youths from different points on the socio-economic spectrum dead.

Inspired by the saying, “Give me a child until he’s seven and I will hunt him down like a rabid dog when he’s 56,” a madman known only as the 7 Up Killer is hunting down Apted’s merry band of dysfunctional post-pubescent misfits one by one. The body count is piling up…and it looks like he’s saving the best for last.

As shocking (or should we say “shellacking”) as it is award winning, The 7 Up Killer answers the question: just who is the 7 Up Killer, really?

18th May 2012

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Miles Milke is the hottest male model in the biz…until a tragic mishap at a construction yard themed photo shoot leaves him without the use of his face. Ostracized from the fashion world, Miles takes a job at the same construction yard where he had his accident…until another tragic mishap leaves him wheelchair bound. Now ostracized from the construction world, Miles must realize that to make it back on top, he’ll have to harness his inner hotness or spend the rest of his life competing in an unsanctioned wheelchair wrestling league.

Miles Milke is the hottest male model in the biz…until a tragic mishap at a construction yard themed photo shoot leaves him without the use of his face. Ostracized from the fashion world, Miles takes a job at the same construction yard where he had his accident…until another tragic mishap leaves him wheelchair bound. Now ostracized from the construction world, Miles must realize that to make it back on top, he’ll have to harness his inner hotness or spend the rest of his life competing in an unsanctioned wheelchair wrestling league.

26th April 2012

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Love hurts. But not as much as getting your nipples ripped off by members of a maniacal cult that believe lactating nipples hold the key to immortality. Ex-cop Rod Branson comes home to find his beloved wife, and mother of his extremely thirsty septuplets, dead, sans nipples. He has 12 hours to find the leader of the Areolytes and avenge his wife. Until then, Daddy’s nips will do.

Love hurts. But not as much as getting your nipples ripped off by members of a maniacal cult that believe lactating nipples hold the key to immortality. Ex-cop Rod Branson comes home to find his beloved wife, and mother of his extremely thirsty septuplets, dead, sans nipples. He has 12 hours to find the leader of the Areolytes and avenge his wife. Until then, Daddy’s nips will do.

25th April 2012

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It may be good to be the King, but it ain’t so good to be the Prince- especially when you’re the Prince of Gluttony! In fair Denmark, where we lay or corpulent scene, the melancholic Hamlet has ballooned to a whopping 460 lbs (33 stone). And as if that wasn’t enough, his abrupt and rapid weight gain has him seeing ghosts. It’s up to Hamlet to avenge his father’s death…if only he could leave his couch and melt off some of that sullied flesh! Hey Hamlet! You’re supposed to soliloquize the skull, not eat it! Features Jillian Michaels as Ophelia, Hamlet’s lover and fitness guru.

It may be good to be the King, but it ain’t so good to be the Prince- especially when you’re the Prince of Gluttony! In fair Denmark, where we lay or corpulent scene, the melancholic Hamlet has ballooned to a whopping 460 lbs (33 stone). And as if that wasn’t enough, his abrupt and rapid weight gain has him seeing ghosts. It’s up to Hamlet to avenge his father’s death…if only he could leave his couch and melt off some of that sullied flesh! Hey Hamlet! You’re supposed to soliloquize the skull, not eat it! Features Jillian Michaels as Ophelia, Hamlet’s lover and fitness guru.

21st April 2012

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A devastating portrait of the Father of Psychoanalysis directed by Don Dawnman, the Father of Investigative Documentaries Concentrating Exclusively on Historical Figures’ Difficulties With Weight Loss. (See: “Battle of the Bulge: Whitey Bulger’s Lifelong Struggle With Obesity”; “Paunch De Leon: Ponce De Leon’s Lifelong Struggle With Obesity”; “The Very Sinkable Molly Brown: Molly Brown’s Lifelong Struggle With Obesity”; “William Howard Taft: American Hero”)
NC-17

A devastating portrait of the Father of Psychoanalysis directed by Don Dawnman, the Father of Investigative Documentaries Concentrating Exclusively on Historical Figures’ Difficulties With Weight Loss. (See: “Battle of the Bulge: Whitey Bulger’s Lifelong Struggle With Obesity”; “Paunch De Leon: Ponce De Leon’s Lifelong Struggle With Obesity”; “The Very Sinkable Molly Brown: Molly Brown’s Lifelong Struggle With Obesity”; “William Howard Taft: American Hero”)

NC-17

20th April 2012

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Through his monumental documentary work, Ken Burns has brought the Civil War to life, chronicled baseball’s expansive history and depicted America’s majestic national parks in all their splendor. This time, he turns his cameras on perhaps his most rich and compelling subject yet: himself. Join Ken Burns as he revisits precious childhood memories. Then watch as he zooms in on those childhood memories, pans left to right, and wafts some folksy mountain music in the background. Learn about the losing bar bet he made that led to his trademark haircut, and Big Foote, the gender bending glam rock band he started with Shelby Foote. Also includes recently unearthed footage from his successful yet brief stint as Grand Wizard of the South Carolina KKK. Run Time: 3 Months

Through his monumental documentary work, Ken Burns has brought the Civil War to life, chronicled baseball’s expansive history and depicted America’s majestic national parks in all their splendor. This time, he turns his cameras on perhaps his most rich and compelling subject yet: himself. Join Ken Burns as he revisits precious childhood memories. Then watch as he zooms in on those childhood memories, pans left to right, and wafts some folksy mountain music in the background. Learn about the losing bar bet he made that led to his trademark haircut, and Big Foote, the gender bending glam rock band he started with Shelby Foote. Also includes recently unearthed footage from his successful yet brief stint as Grand Wizard of the South Carolina KKK. Run Time: 3 Months